The Sun is Shining Bright and Warm

I used to LOVE the feeling of sun on my skin. I would be the brown girl sitting in the sun 'tanning' away with the other white folks because I could never get enough of the sun. I never understood the people who would run and hide from the sun. They wanted the summer but did not want the sunny sun.
Somehow, that feeling changed in the last two years. I could not stand the sun. I understood what everyone was talking about. Two painful sunburns later (and yes, apparently brown people ALSO burn- *sigh*), and working with kids all day in the humid, horrid sun, I could no longer bear the sun. I started hiding from the sun every chance I got. I found shades, sat in part of bus or cars where the sun would not hit me or at least, not hit me hard. I actually wished for winter!!!

But that feeling has gone now. I am back to loving the sun. I felt the warmth of it when I was on the bus going to school. It was a long ride. the sun started being warm and soothing in the cool autumn day and then, it started to get quite hot--- BUT I LOVED IT. The feeling was soooooooooo nice. I just sat through that entire ride with a smile plastered across my face in a daze (and no, I don't get high- EVER).

And now, I'm sitting in my house with the sun streaking and shining on me... It's so soothing.

Stages of Grief

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I've never been a person to read through other people's experiences of an event to help gain clarity into mine but I started to now. I've been reading other people's experiences and expertise. I've listened to other people's experiences and feelings going through similar things.

I found it helpful. It's comforting to know that there are others who have gone through what I have. Their experiences, advice, jokes... it helps me push through all of this. I know what I write doesn't make sense but it's the best feeling in the world when I wake up in the mornings with awful dreams and thoughts and think about a story or an event or an experience someone shared with me.. it makes me smile. i can tell myself, it's a new day. What's done is done, live in the present, and look to the future.

I know it sounds cheesy and corny when I say it and it's a lot harder than it sounds but I keep repeating it or repeating some other cheesy corny line.. and soon, i'm laughing at the stupidity of it all and I'm in a better mood. *sigh*

blah

Today is one of those days. One of those days that you never want to do anything. Your mind is just not in it. It's a day that you want to crawl under a bed and sleep all day or read a book or listen to sounds of the rain beat against the window pane.

It's just one of those days. It's one of those days you want someone to just hold you tight and stay with you in the immense of the silence. I want to sleep on my mother's lap and have her comb my hair through with her fingers. I want to feel the gentlness of the care in her caressing- feel the love in each stroke. I want to hug my mom and cry until i'm all dry and there's not a drop more...

Born Addicted

I watched a show yesterday that mentioned a child who was born addicted to coccaine. It spend 14 days in the hospital detoxing because the mother was on coccaine, amongst other drugs, during her pregnancy.

While the focus of the show was not the baby, that one fact was etched in my mind. How horrid to experience such a pain. How could any mother/parent subject her child to such things? It bothered me all day yesterday and continues to bother me.

I feel the urge to do something about it. If there is that one girl, how many people are out there who need help with children that need help?

All over the world, there are mothers/caregivers and children fighting for a chance for survival and we,in North America,shot it to hell. Survival is not even an issue anymore- it's the inability and IGNORANCE to use their resources to better the world-- at least, better themselves.

Attitude

I'm positive that everyone has read inspirational stories of having the right set of mind and the right of attitude. However, I feel that we will read those stories, say that's nice, and move on with our lives and forget all about it. At least, I know I did that.
I don't wany to do that anymore. Every time a bad, negative, or panicky thoughts come into my head, I have just decided to pause, take a deep breath (sometimes, more than one... several hyperventilation in a bag - please don't judge me... lol) and tell myself "it's ok. Just look at the positive side of things. Life is full of mistakes. The important thing is to learn from it."

And you know what? It's working so far.

Recently, I went through something that was.life changing. I thought I was going to die of a heart attack. My friends were all there for me day and night ensuring I was ok. I honestly felt like I could not go on from that point and then I snapped out of it.

I realized I'm blessed with AWESOME friends who love me and care about and care about what happens to me. They were there for me amidst their work, deadlines, midterms, exams, assignments... they MADE the time to be there for me.because they love me and care about me... and hey, guess what? I LOVE THEM, TOO! I have the bestest friends in the whole wide world infused with humour, humility, fun, introspective, UNDERSTANDING, and much much more. I loved you, all. (yes, yes, I know I'm going to be teased for my corniness, but I just have to tell the whole world that I love you guys!)

Then I decided that I have to stop this nonsense and pull myself together. I changed my attitude... rather, I went back to.the attitude I had. I started seeing the positive in everything. I decided to learn as much as I can from my experiences- from the good and the bad.

I tell myself that I can focus on the good or the bad; I can learn from this or cry over it; and I can live my life positively or focus on the ugly. (I definitely want the pretty! Haha)

Lol... this blog sounds like one big motivational speech... haha. But this message is for.my friends, I absolutely love you all!

Colours of the wind

I feel great!
I'm full of energy and renewed with a new sense of direction and focus.
I can't lie and deny the fact that sometimes my thoughts astray and think about what could have been.. the could've, should've, would've... But I also know that the path I'm on now makes me super happy.
I have so much energy that I can't focus. I feel like bouncing off the walls, flying a kite, going and climbing a mountain. I know I sound crazy but I have SO MUCH ENERGY!!! I feel sooooooo HAPPY and EXUBERANT!
oh wow- I miss this feeling. I miss myself carefree and FREE!!!

Reincarnation

For the last, who knows how many years, I have been 'going with the flow.' I have flittered and fluttered from one idea to another, from one place to another, and have now come to a stop.
I have decided to take charge of my own life- my own goals and desires. If I fall, make mistakes, and REGRET everything, I will do so happily knowing that these were MY CHOICES.

This blog will be a record of my journey to self-discovery and contentment.